Monday, 16 February 2015

She’s in her late 20’s- Her Relationship!!!

She’s in her late 20’s- Her Relationship!!!
Written by: Nwazuosa Nkem Kennedy

It’s another season of love and this time I have to take advantage of this aura to express myself on an issue which has overtime been avoided either in pretense or in a deliberate attempt to showcase only the juicy part of that relationship. Behind that social media platform where you constantly post that lovely gesture and try to act better than Bollywood is a scar you hide - all isn't as red-rosy as you make other young ladies feel. Note that I am not trying to say we shouldn't celebrate happiness or sing about love but at the same proportion as we so love, we should expose the ills too for in exposing the bad side we soften the path we tread. These ills have formed the basis of a stronger woman and these bad side have made us appreciate the good times hence, the ills should not be ignored neither should it be celebrated.

First of all, you asked her to go down low and she did, so humble, she had your back and made sure that your water was ready for that warm bath. She constantly made sure that meals was at its best, even when it had a little more salt in it you made her heart pant with fear of gestures that diminish her ability meanwhile you can’t even make porridge. She engage in thorough cleaning and washing of your bathroom to prove her domestic qualities to you- sometimes even other girls of yours use the same bathroom- unknown to her. She gets no appreciation and no surprise hug from behind when she sweats in that kitchen of yours- yet you want the best at all-time forgetting that we are all human and only God sees us perfect.  You want her to impress at all times yet there was never a time you took her out for shopping, whatever she wore, she got it from her hustle because she is enterprising, independent and daring to be successful and from the little money she makes, she even buys you gifts as a little way to express her love and in your quiet time, you feel resentment when the monetary value of the gift isn't your expectation.

Listen… she isn't a fool to follow you to those late night out, she isn't a loose girl when she clubs with you and pleases your demands, she isn't that bad when she gives you brain. She learnt to be homely and she was nurtured so well to take care of her man so he doesn't have any reason to flirt with those young university babes who are willing to go 360 degrees on her man; she learnt so well yet got it so wrong. You have practically made her your specimen and learnt every new trick on her- tricks that doesn't come with emotion is only but an athletic lesson- sometimes I wonder why she hasn't risen up to tell you enough is enough and NO to those days when she even had to deal with your slaps. She swallows it all; she hides this secret from your friends, family and acted like you guys were in the best relationship especially when you hung out with them. She doesn't smoke but she’s constantly inhaling, putting up with your friends and their loud attitude in public when they “puff puff pass it”. Behind the curtain you use your luring words and lure her back into your arms- after all she doesn't have a choice but to give in into your charms and sweet words- such a devil in disguise. As for those parents and her married friends that do not filter or consider the implication of opting for words that are pushy or that signals that your own daughter or your friend is getting old or has suddenly become a threat around your husband, I am working on your case and soon you will read about you.

Now, why has she continued in the abusive relationship? Hoping for better days I guess. Sweetheart listen, there isn't going to be any better day ahead when the early days starts off with these abuses. You don’t have to be extremely nice to him just because you want him to have an impression. He would only laugh at you because you have changed so much to suit him but he hasn't and will not sacrifice as much as you have given up for him. Now your identity has been lost all in the name of finding your man.
The general belief and fear to her is that she needs to hold on to this “one oo”, men are not easy to find and he is going to change for the better and all will be well. It’s just a shame that you have ignored the advice of the married ones who have experienced this same issue and painfully are now victims of domestic and emotional violence for as long as they are stuck with the man with their kids as the only consolation in that marriage. What do you think is the origin of infidelity? You will not be totally wrong to think it as a reaction to a continuous act of emotional violation.

I am not suggesting that you quit this relationship but all I am saying is that you use your tongue to count your teeth-that is if he hasn't punched them off before you realize that you need to quit it!!!- “relationship no be war”, if he isn't ready to be a man that has sisters or born of a woman then he isn't worth your tears or your presence. Real men punch ideas that generate wealth to take care of their family both immediate and extended and seek the advice of their woman before they venture not emotionally violating the rights of their woman. I am not ruling out the fact that ladies also need to be supportive either in their finance, prayers and moral and bridle their tongues. His strength to carry on may lie in your words actions or inaction, you therefore need to be his partner and must complement each other’s weakness and build on your individual strength. Meanwhile, back to the real topic…

The painful thing of this phenomenon is that you find young girls between the ages of 23-27 years going through such pathetic situation and still continue to be enslaved by these men- I wonder what he does to you to still stay glued to him. The most ladies that feel threatened by this marriageable age issue are mostly affected by this trend and they have given up on the prospects in finding a decent man and the potentials they possess in becoming a successful young lady. If only they knew what these men discuss with their friends about them yet these friends of his pretentiously call you “our wife”- guess you feel loved right abi?

Ladies, you need to listen to this, have you observed that there is an increasing ratio of faster successful young women to men lately? - it is not “runs” or through connections but through smart work by these young women (Although the fact that men often consider to assist a lady first for a reason known to them- “instant gratification”- is another factor that had led to this skewing ratio). Well, if you have not taken time to conduct a visual census, I advise you start doing so now. Women of our generation are more enterprising and daring than men and if you do not embrace this trend as a young woman and find your place among stars fast, these men will continue to ride on you and make you feel worse-off and you will continue to be a victim whenever they get reminded in their inability to become or attain the level they desire to be.

Although love is pain and pain is love, no one deserves the negative extreme of love. However, we should not forget that the extreme of love is part of the spice of a relationship; the only problem is when you constantly get the negative extreme of love.
Several years of investing into that relationship and you are now in your late twenties with much of the negative extremes and less of the positive extremes, your mind-set is now gradually settling with him and compelled with pity, he decides to see your parents and performs those wedding ritual which you contributed to with all of your savings. Who am I to decide on how you want to spend your money or whom you want to spend it on? I can only advice that you are guaranteed a little appreciation and that he respects your efforts in making him a better man and not only a mother of his kids.

My lady now you are married, I wish you Good luck and the fact that you are carrying his baby makes him change or that you had to quit your job because he wants a housewife helps change his mind to a nicer husband- I hope he doesn't realize how lucky he is to have you late. I hope he changes and that all the night prayers and vigils in different spiritual house that has turned you into an old church going lady in an attempt to save your marriage works.

You have only now to take a bold step to either remain in that relationship, make it work for you or go into your sanctuary and talk to yourself about your life. The rest of your life “no be joke at all”. Tackle it now or deal with it longer!!!
Educated or not, enlightened or not. A victim is a victim. Don’t give him room for abuses. You command more respect that way. On your own also, being submissive is not negotiable because a virtuous woman goes beyond knowing how to back it up for him to include love, care, support and prayers.

Just so you know physical violence is even less of an attack than the pain that is attributed to emotional violence (although both are bad). Studies have shown that there is an increasing rate of women that deal with this kind of violence more than actual physical abuses. Imagine what an emotional degrade can do to your life and your relationship with people not to talk of your kids.

I will conclude by saying that not all men are this way neither do we have all ladies as angels but if you are a lady and have got it perfect, I am happy for you and glad you did… wait a minute sef… No one has it all perfect. So whatever your situation, if you have the ability to draw out from the best of both worlds, I advise you get it because it is only in that ability to derive from the best of both world that contentment is found.

Good luck sweetheart!